Love Might Kill
by LoveMightKill
Summary: He couldn't bear it anymore. He wanted to burn himself alive, he wanted to stab himself right there and just end it all. He wanted to put poison in his food, he wanted to die. All of them because of guilt. Because of love. Killua Zoldyck realized that love doesn't just make people happy. Love might kill. He knew that she was gone - forever. (ONE SHOT!)


**One shot! I tried very hard to capture Killua's character here, but it was damn hard. Guess we can bear with it? Hey, I even used my username as a title for this story! I guess it became the inspiration for this story, it's just that I have another HxH story out there and I want to focus there. But I hope you will like this!**

**I really want to hear your opinions, so please leave a review!**

_He couldn't bear it anymore. He wanted to burn himself alive, he wanted to stab himself right there and just end it all. He wanted to put poison in his food, he wanted to die._

_All of them because of guilt. _

_Because of love. _

_He realized that love doesn't just make people happy..._

_Love might kill._

_And although he never showed it to his friends, the pain was killing him inside._

_Pain consumed him..._

_And he didn't want to live anymore because of that excruciating pain._

_Love might kill._

When he saw her dead body, he wanted to cry, but the tears won't come out.

Not crying almost killed him, slowly and painfully.

During the burial, he wanted to be with her, he wanted to bury his own body along with her, but he couldn't make his body move.

He couldn't believe that the person he loved was gone – dead.

He knew he would never hear her sweet voice again, he would never see those eyes that shone brightly like the stars in the night sky.

Only the memories were left.

But now those memories were killing him.

She was dead, and he couldn't accept the fact that he would never _ever_ see her again. So how can he live?

He always went to the cemetery to check if everything was real, and he knew he was going crazy.

But what right did he have to love her?

_He_ was the cause of her death.

He wished he could bring back time, so he could correct everything.

But reality was killing him – the reality that told him there was no way he could bring her back – the girl he cared for most.

Most painful of all, he was the reason why she died.

**Flashback**

"Killua Zoldyck?" a man in suit approached him.

"Yes?" he replied.

The man looked sad, and then said, "Mr. Zoldyck, Miss Nina Sen is dead."

His eyes widened. "What? What are you saying?"

The boy's friends looked over, also wide eyed.

The man lowered his head. "I'm so sorry, Mr. Zoldyck, but her neighbours found her in her house – in the living room to be exact – and when we saw her, she really was dead. She was bloody all over and we found a note, yet we decided not to touch anything and let you check it out first."

"S-she's living alone i-in her house...was it murder?"

"Would you mind to come with me there?"

...

When they arrived, Killua wanted to sob.

Nina was lying on the floor, her face pale, stained with blood, her eyes closed, and the weird thing was... he noticed a small smile on her face.

Yet she was dead.

He found a piece of paper lying beside her and picked it up, he didn't have the heart to read it so he kept it in his pocket, and he walked out of the house without him knowing.

The world turned dark again for him because he knew, deep inside him, that Nina was dead, and he couldn't do anything about it.

He wanted to sob, yet tears won't come out.

He thought maybe it was the effect of being a Zoldyck – not showing emotions even if it's killing you inside already.

During the burial, he still didn't cry, but he wanted to bury his body along with Nina. It was painful but he couldn't let his emotions out.

After that, he decided to open the note he found in Nina's house.

He trembled upon touching it, blood stains were still seen there.

_If anyone found this, please give it to Killua Zoldyck._

_To Killua,_

_Uhmm... I would really want to see you personally but it would be impossible._

_You know, after that painful break up and all..._

_I just want you to know that I was not yet ready to leave you..._

_But you suddenly told me that you can't be with me anymore and I..._

_Once again...I, Nina Sen, was left by an important person and I know that I will be alone again and everything will turn dark for me once more._

_But before I become crazy like I was before you found me, I decided to put an end into this._

_Because, Killua, the pain is killing me. Starting from the inside._

_It's been a month, yet you still cross my mind from time to time.._

_I guess love doesn't just make people happy..._

_Love might kill. And it will probably kill me._

_I didn't want to leave you but well...I guess it's inevitable._

_Just always remember that I will die loving you – and even in the afterlife I will continue to do so because you're the light that saved me from darkness._

_Live well, Kiru-kun._

_And say goodbye to Gon, Kurapika, and Leorio-san for me._

_~Nina_

He felt guilty and the guilt was killing him.

After that he refused to eat, to drink, and eventually he refused to live.

His friends tried their best to cheer him up, but he became 'crazy'.

Whenever they talked to him, he would just stare at them blankly.

He became like that for three months.

* * *

><p>"Ne Killua." a brown haired girl sat beside Killua who was busy watching the meteor shower.<p>

"Nani?" he said, not looking at the girl.

"If a star can think and have emotions, what do you think would it feel when it falls to Earth knowing it can never come back to it's brethren again?"

"It will feel sad, of course."

"Yeah," she looked at his face. "You're right."

And that's when Killua wondered if she was still thinking about the family who left her.

* * *

><p>The memories.<p>

He wanted to die now.

Those memories didn't leave, and they were torturing him.

_But it's only just,_ he thought. _After all, I'm the reason why she's dead now._

He thought it would be for her own good, but he was wrong.

He thought leaving her would keep her from danger, but in the end, leaving her was a bad idea.

"Killua," Kurapika called, getting his attention. "We decided it's best for you to go far away from this place...you know, to cool off."

Leorio nodded. "We want you be yourself again. After Nina's death, you lost the will to live."

"Yes, Killua. We don't want you gone, too." Gon added.

_But it hurts. I want to take my life away now. The pain is killing me._

"If you really love her, you should move on and take a step forward." Kurapika said.

_Easy for you to_ say..

"See this?" the Kurta showed them a journal. "I found this in Nina's bedroom when I was investigating alone."

"Let me see."

"You should agree to come with us first."

"What's this?" Killua demanded.

"A deal. You go with us, you get the journal."

He thought for awhile.

_I might really die if I leave again. But I have to see what's inside that journal._

He sighed. "Fine."

* * *

><p>When they were in the airship, Killua decided to read Nina's journal.<p>

He smiled for the first time in three months after seeing the first few pages.

So Nina kept those memories.

Somehow, it brought him back to reality. He felt himself again - the old Killua.

But after reading a few more pages, he got to the sad part.

_What is this? Am I cursed?_

_Killua broke up with me and I know that it's the end._

_Knowing Killua, he really meant what he said._

_When will I really have someone who would not leave me?_

_ Why do I always end up like this?_

_Killua Zoldyck is like, the most important person in my life, and now he's gone!_

_Oh God, what will I do?_

_I don't care if he's from a family of assassins or if he's a Hunter! I just want him to stay by my side._

_I feel like I'm already burning. It's painful._

_Entry 2(for this month)_

_Love is killing me._

_I really miss Killua. But he would never return._

_Why do I need to suffer so much?_

_Did I commit a very big crime for me to be punished like this?_

_Entry 3_

_The light is almost fading._

_Well, I guess I'd be hanging out with the shadows again._

_I am beginning to imagine things, and they were not good._

_The signs are coming back..._

_Were they because of Killua?_

_I wish I'm not that crazy about him because he can never be with me again._

_Entry 4_

_The signs are back..._

_They're scary..._

_I know that I will become 'crazy' again and...I need someone to be with me.._

_I'm scared..._

_Darkness will take over again..._

_I don't want that to happen again.._

_I just want a normal -_

Killua closed the journal.

He didn't know that she suffered so much. And once again, he felt guilty.

If he only knew...

Maybe Nina would still be alive, and maybe he would not feel the pain.

Then something fell out of the journal, a long piece of paper folded.

He picked it up, and read what's written on it.

_I would like to give this letter to Killua Zoldyck._

_Kiru-kun, if you're reading this letter right now it means you found my journal._

_I want to use past tense for my deeds because I know that when you find this, I'm already gone._

_You might be wondering why I did it, or maybe you know now, but I did it because the light is fading and I don't want to die in complete darkness._

_I want to die with a little light._

_Don't think that it's your fault because no one is at fault._

_I could have died that day, eaten away by darkness and insanity, but then you found me and saved me from that._

_I could have died that day with all the painful memories and I might have gone to hell because of that, but you gave me hope, you swept the darkness away from my_

_life and gave me the will to live._

_But the painful reality is that...I should have died that day...because I was meant to._

_Maybe this is the chance for us to correct it all._

_And I just want to rest, too._

_I'm sick of this life with all the darkness around me and stuff._

_That was what I felt the day before you found me._

_But you came, and thanks to you, I could die with good memories and I will bring the light with me, so I can thank you forever for the chance - a chance of new life._

_Killua, everything will be alright. Believe me. Go out with your friends again, start a new life - a big start._

_Forget the sad and painful memories and don't dwell on it too much._

_When you found my body, I might have a smile on my face, that's because I died thinking of all the good days I had with you...and because I died loving you.._

_And maybe because I already accepted the fact that you will never be mine again._

_And so I died, and it was my decision, so don't ever blame yourself._

_I guess I'm really like the stars.. I don't want to fall, but I don't have a choice but to fall. Like the stars, I also accepted that fact already._

_Because fate controls us, it's not our decision to make._

_Live your life to the fullest because if I see you sad when I'm in the afterlife, I might cry,too. So please be happy for me._

_And there's a picture of us together in my bedroom, that one with you, me, Gon, Leorio-san, and Kurapika._

_That picture represents happiness because that day when we took it...was a really happy day._

_I guess I would call it the best day of my life._

_Can I make one request?_

_Please keep it for me. I don't want to lose it so please forever take care of it._

_And uhmm...I don't know what to write anymore but I hope you will be happy, Killua._

_Love,_

_Nina_

This time, the tears came out. But they were unstoppable.

After three months of suffering, he could finally cry - he could finally let the pain out.

He sobbed there silently, rocking himself to sleep, hoping it was all just a dream.

But he knew that even if he cried there forever, Nina would never come back.

_I hope you will be happy, Killua._

Even if it was just a letter, he could hear her voice.

Her voice was like a lullaby.

He finally fell asleep.

_You have to be stronger,_

_Get yourself together,_

_Live like the world is yours to take,_

_Love as though your heart won't break,_

_We don't have the time to worry about many things,_

_We just have to live like kings,_

_You can't always be consumed by fear,,_

_You just have to live the life, my dear_

* * *

><p><em>"<em>Killua?" a brown haired girl named Nina approached the white haired boy.

"What now?" he asked, sounding annoyed, but deep inside him, he loved to hear her call his name.

"The stars."

"What's with them?"

"When they fall to Earth, they can't go back to the skies, right?"

He nodded. "Yes."

"I'm like the stars."

He raised an eyebrow. "Why would you say that?"

"Because when my family left me, I know I can't go back to them again. And it was sad. What do you think will the stars feel when they fall here, knowing they will

never be able to go back?"

"You always ask that." he looked at her and sighed. "The stars are sad. But that's the point, they already know that they are never going back again once they fall.

They are sad. Do you think they like to fall here? Of course not. They didn't want to fall, but they have no choice _but _to fall. They didn't like it but they accepted it.

Stars fall here knowing they would not be able to fly back but they can't do anything about it because they don't decide what to do. Fate does."

"You're right." she smiled. "They say it's what you make, but for me it's up to fate. Stars don't decide for themselves, fate decides whether they will fall or not."

* * *

><p><strong>3 years later...<strong>_  
><em>

"Aghh.." Gon complained. "The flight was tiring."

"I agree with you." said Kurapika.

"Ah, but it's good to be back!" Leorio exclaimed.

"Killua, where's the food?" Gon asked.

"There in the kitchen. Everything's ready. Are you also ready?" he replied.

"Yes!" the three answered.

"After three long years, we're finally back in our home sweet home!" Leorio exclaimed happily.

Kurapika smiled. "Yes, yes. Now come on and let's celebrate."

They put the food on the table and Killua lit the candle on the top of the cake.

"Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday,

Happy Birthday...

Happy Birthday, Nina!"

"Killua," said Gon. "Blow the candle for Nina."

He did. He wished her a 'Happy Birthday' and he wished that she has found happiness now.

"Oi, let's eat!"

...lLl...

The white haired boy went in Nina Sen's house in the afternoon.

When he went in, he smiled. The neighbors must have cleaned the house, but they did not touch a single thing there.

_Take care of that picture for me._

He went inside her bedroom and found a picture of him, Nina, and their friends together.

_It was the best day of my life._

He took it, smiled again, and looked around her room.

He remembered those months when it was painful, when everything seemed dark.

He remembered wanting to die.

Maybe it really was painful.

Those months when he couldn't take it anymore, when he wanted to die.

But it made him stronger - stronger than ever.

Nina was right,_ You have to be weak first before you get stronger._

_...lLl..._

After getting that picture, he went to the cemetery.

When he saw her tomb, he didn't cry. He didn't feel the pain anymore.

He put a rose on top of the cement thing with her name engraved on it : Nina Sen

He took out the picture and 'showed' it to her. "I will keep the memories forever."

He smiled and put the picture again in his pocket. "Happy Birthday, Nina."

Killua smiled again before leaving, _I'm like the stars_.

_Things happen for a reason._

He walked away, smile on his face, and thought, _I have not yet forgotten, but I realized that I don't want to forget._

For once, he didn't look back.

* * *

><p><strong>This is just my first ever one shot fanfic so don't expect too much! But I'm hoping for reviews so please, please, please?<strong>

**Author: Love might kill, but love also makes people stronger. We don't decide for ourselves, everything we do is fate's decision.**

**'Love kills, but time heals' is an appropriate 'quote' for this story but love doesn't always kill. We have to remember that love is a feeling we can't **

**avoid. But we also have to remember that love can be a happy _or_ sad feeling because we can't always expect a happy ending.**

**"You have to be stronger,**

**Get yourself together,**

**Live like the world is yours to take,**

**Love as though your heart won't break,**

**We don't have time to worry about many things,**

**We just have to live like kings,**

**You can't always be consumed by fear,**

**You just have to live the life, my dear."**

**Well, did you like that one? I made that myself, don't know if it's good, but I really have to put that there!**

**I hope you will review, guys!**


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